Written by: Ruth Tamara Encarnacion, Municipal Link

Healed wounds when scratched relive the pain that was once felt. It is but a constant reminder of what made us become the person we are today. It might sound hurtful, but to experience such cruelty will definitely make one rethink how safe and secure we are in this society we call just and accepting. According to the United Nations Declaration on the Elimination of Violence Against Women, “It is a manifestation of historically unequal power relations between men and women which have led to domination over and discrimination against women by men and to the prevention of the full advancement of women.”

Maria (not her actual name), 33 years old, belongs to the Iraya group of Mangyans. She lives in Baco, Oriental Mindoro. She is a wife, a mother of three and an active member of the community. A Community Health Team (CHT) member in their barangay and parent leader of Pantawid Pamilya, Maria is also a survivor of domestic violence.

Maria is third among nine siblings in their family and graduated secondary education in Baco Catholic High School. She lived with her partner, Jay, of Visayan origin, since 2000 and was only legally married last 2010. Her husband supports them as a farmer in their own inherited land and sometimes gets manual jobs.

Early years

During the early years of their partnership, the couple stayed with their in-laws despite the disapproval on their relationship. They were blessed with two children, Nene and Toto. With their second child diagnosed with heart ailment that led to more health complications, and just like any other starting family, the couple had difficulty financing their needs. Their son’s health condition required monitoring until the age of one and a half which led them financially drained.

Her in-laws wanted her husband to sell fish together with his uncle. Maria disapproved as it would only decrease the earnings since his husband has to share it with his uncle. They will be left with smaller income compared to their own efforts in selling crops. The conversation turned into argument with Maria’s husband and was overheard by her ferocious mother-in-law. She was told that she should not meddle with the work of her son. Being young, fearsome, and powerless, Maria went back to her parent’s home.

Going back

Being a parent triumphs over any hurt Maria felt at that time and went back to her husband after a week. When she arrived at her in-laws house, her husband was not there. He went across the Pambisan River, a place within their municipality to sell bamboo. When her in-laws saw her, they started to scold her and called her names. She tried to defend herself but her father-in-law forcibly placed his used underwear inside her mouth. The words uttered and actions showed to her at that time had lower her worth as human being.

With a weakened emotional state, Maria ran back to their house to find solace but to her disbelief, her father-in-law went after her and started beating her with a two-by-two sized coco lumber while saying mean things. The event was witnessed by her daughter, sister and cousin. They weren’t able to help her because of her in-law’s threat that he will kill her.

It was the worst days of her life. She was starved and beaten relentlessly by the people she considered her second family. It was on the third day, while she was having some time alone with her children and sitting on a hammock when her father-in-law cut the ropes holding it and made them fall on the ground. He started slapping and beating her again, and even kicked her daughter, Nene. Nene dashed to the side of the house and cried. Her son, Toto was taken away from her. She was unable to attend to her daughter as her hair was already enveloped in a tight grip and her back was taking all the kick from her in-law. This was the scene that her husband saw. Jay tried to stop his father but cannot control the situation. “Parang awa mo na, gupitin mo ang buhok ko,” Maria pleaded. Her husband helped her. Maria took her daughter and fled. That was in August 2005. It had been raining hard and with adrenaline pumping through her body, she managed to carry her child and swam across the river and passed by a small area with few residents. She ran to the barangay captain’s house.

Seeing all her bruises and wounds, she was led inside the house. She confided the incident and was told that they could stay for the night and that her parents will be called to take her the next morning. Both Maria and her daughter were given first aid.

Betrayal

Early the next day, her parents arrived and were shocked at the sight of her swollen face and bruises. Her husband, Jay, was also there. He sided with his own parents and denied Maria’s accusations and told them that she was the one hysterical when she arrived at their house that is why his parents had to hurt her to realize what she was doing. “Ayaw ko na po sa babaeng yan!” said her husband. She felt betrayed and alone. She was hoping that her husband will save her, but hearing him utter those words, got her mad.

Her mother accompanied her to the municipal health center to gather physical evidence. She then went to their own barangay hall and reported the incident to the police. Unfortunately, her in-laws had connections and turned the story around. According to Maria, her father-in-law purposely banged himself to a tree to show that she attacked him. Maria felt untrusting since then.

She thought of her son, Toto who was still with her husband and in-laws. She decided to seek assistance from the DSWD in getting back her son’s custody.

Fighting back

Taking back her child is what’s important to Maria. After what she’s been through, she doesn’t think of her fears anymore, and just wants to be reunited with her children. She went back to her husband’s house together with two case workers and policemen to get her son.

Since her child is a minor, by law, the child should stay with the custody of her mother. She did not push through with the case against her in-laws. What matters for Maria is that she has her children with her.

Two years passed and she learned to do hard jobs from planting to harvesting rice in the fields. She also accepted other decent jobs that will bring food to the table. She also sold crops such as bananas, coconuts, vegetables, etc. There was no room for self-pity, no time to cry, and the anger she felt pushed her to prove her self-worth and make a living for her children. Also, the violence she experienced prevented her from entertaining even the slightest thought of living with another man.

Putting the past behind

The day came when her husband knocked on their door and asked for forgiveness. She slapped him on the face and told him to leave, but her husband pleaded and told her that he will wait. He said he was sorry for not believing her.

Their children talked to their father and it made Maria realized how much their children missed their father. She decided to accept her husband once again but with the condition that he better stand and fight for their family. He promised to do so and has not failed since.

New beginnings

It was in 2011 that their family became beneficiaries of Pantawid Pamilya. She made sure that she does not miss the conditions of the program. She vowed to send her children to school regularly believing that education is their best weapon from people who will look down at them.

Through the Family Development Sessions (FDS), she learned that to value the time she spends with her family and applied the parenting styles she sees effective in raising her children. It was also in these monthly meetings that she came across the topic of Violence Against Women and Children (VAWC). She asked, “When was VAWC implemented? Had what happened to me considered VAWC?” She had better understanding of the subject.

With her gutsy attitude, she was chosen to become a parent leader by the other 32 members in their barangay. She attended an IP-based Workers and Parent Leaders Training held in Manila last year initiated by the Department. Being a parent leader boosts her confidence and feeling of acceptance in the community. She was said to be of big help to other members of the program in preparing updates and filing grievances. She found her self-worth, dignity and uniqueness.

Her influence to her members was seen by the midwives in their area that opened more opportunities of serving the people. She became a CHT member in 2012 and earns Php2,000 a month. She also works as an all-around housemaid. She does her job well as the money she earns help her children in their school. Currently, it also helps in paying the motorcycle they acquired.

Little by little, they have been lifting their social status. Her father-in-law died a few years ago and Maria has maintained a civil relationship with her mother-in-law who also visits them from time to time.

Maria claims, “A long period has passed, I learned a lot of things. I am different now. I am no longer afraid, but it is only now that I cried, not when I told the case workers, not when I told the police or the barangay captain. I have not talked about it since. I even thought of not showing in this interview,” Maria said.

“The Pantawid Pamilya has empowered me as a woman, taught me the value of self-respect, that I am a person with equal rights and dignity. Whenever I see my sister crying because of marital disputes, I tell her to stop crying and do something,” she added.

A wiser and fiercer woman brought by age and experience, Maria dreams big for her now three kids. “I want them to finish college. In this society, you get discriminated just by knowing that you are an IP, more so, a woman, confined to do very limited traditional roles. There is a big difference when you are educated. People look at you with high regard. They are afraid to touch you or say things about you because they know that you know the law, your rights, and what to do.” A woman is created equal with men, may be not by physical strength; nonetheless, she was chosen to bear children. She is capable of multitasking. A woman is never afraid to show her emotions. She has sensitivity to the needs of others. Her silence could mean a lot of things but it is her complexity that showcases her worth.